Junk food = Junk fuel

The first few days of this experiment were pretty fun. I allowed myself to have those foods that I normally don't eat. For breakfast, lunch and dinner I ate tacos, hamburgers, french fries, pizza, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chips, shakes, cookies, and the list goes on and on and on... Vegetables? Hardly. Fruit? No way. Exercise? Didn't happen.

Not only did I experience physical changes from eating these foods, I also experienced emotional and mental changes. Days 1 and 2, I just felt guilty. I knew what I was doing to myself, and why, but I had to constantly justify it. While I was eating it, I had that "I'm doing something naughty" high. Within 5 minutes, I felt horrible about it. Was it really worth it? The sodium in all those foods raised my blood pressure to a point I thought I was having a heart attack. My hands swelled so much, I couldn't get my rings on or off or even tie my shoes comfortably.

After the first week, helloooooo crabby, irritable, and tired Laura. I felt lethargic, mentally AND physically. Not only that, I became flakier than normal. I forgot things I needed to do. I even put my workout shorts on inside out and didn't notice for 2 hours. I was very aware that as the pounds inched higher and higher, my self-esteem dropped lower and lower. Amazing. I'm a pretty confident person, but as my clothes got tighter and tighter, I felt less attractive. I stayed home rather than take my girls to the pool or park. Dressing for church was a huge chore. Can't wear the same baggy top every week! Frustrated with not having clothes I felt confident wearing, I snapped at Mike and the girls for no reason at all. 

My favorite jeans. They wouldn't go any higher.

"Mommy. Why are you doing exercises down the hall?"

Well, baby, you just gotta be healthy whenever you can!

"Good idea, Mommy! I'll do some too!"

and she did...

Actually, I was doing lunges and squats just to try to get my pants on. You know what I'm talking about. Spray a little water on your pants, then stretch, squat, pull with everything you've got! What I ended up with was a cry session on the floor! I expected them to be tight, not unwearable. After church, I had to unbutton my pants just to be comfortable in the car. Mike laughed at the marks on my stomach from the zipper digging in. Even my yoga and workout pants were tight! 

So not only did the 10+ pounds affect me, it affected my family too. The girls didn't understand why mommy turned so boring, sad and mean. At 5 and 3, I didn't want to explain to them what was going on. I did a lot of apologizing for being cranky. I still fed the girls our normal healthy meals. I ate those, then I ate another empty calorie, fat-filled one after they went to bed. 

I haven't slept well since this started. So add on a little more crankiness from fatigue. My body shut down around 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon, and I would just want to nap. I would show up to pick my girls up from school or activities looking like I just rolled out of bed. All the other mommies looked good, so that added to my low self-esteem problems. At night, I tossed and turned for hours only to have a restless night of sleep. My house was trashed because I didn't have the energy to clean it. Great. Consequently, I'm embarrassed to have anyone over. 

Now I crave the junk food. SERIOUSLY? It's only been 3-4 weeks! My hand is in the bag of chips all day long. I want some ice cream, so I take the girls to get some. OH NO!!! Not only am I being unhealthy, but I'm feeding my children junk as a treat or bribe so I don't have to take them on some outing that includes exercise. OH NO!!! After 3 weeks, my mental state has altered. I'm encouraging my healthy children to sit down and eat instead of play. We are all eating when we are bored. We are all cranky. This has to stop!

Time to get a handle on myself! Tomorrow, I share my goals. Short term and long term.